Chuck Dodson

I have been "out", in varying degrees, for about 25 years now. In the past i was concerned about being "out" on the Net, due to the potential problem of attack by strategically challenged vigilantes or the possibility of being targeted for hounding by professional "crusaders". Well, due to my open participation in what turned out to be a provocative (and manipulative) film about NAMBLA and boylovers in general (CHICKENHAWK: Men Who Love Boys by Film Threat and Adi Sideman, producer; a title, btw, that I don't like at all), i had to figure that my name and photo would appear on the Net sooner or later. 

It was a conscious choice right from the get-go, and i'm still proud that i took that "necessary step" (according to NAMBLA activist Tom Reeves, now passed on) to appear in that film, as well as at least one other (apparently yet to be published).

Ever since I can remember I've been attracted to caring about boys. When I was 7 I was attracted to a boy of 4, if memory serves. I never did anything about this attaction, but I recall being in love with him. 

As I "grew up" I found attractions in both younger boys (usually at least 12) as well as age-peers, and even some girls at times. Only in adulthood did I find a growing interest in older men (men my own age were usually too depressingly homophobic or superficially-challenged for my interests).

At 23 I had my first real sex (before that I only remember some basement frolicking at 6 or so where a bunch of us boys showed our buttholes to each other). The young man who finally "brought me out" of my hated "virginity" was a few years younger than me (and of legal age). I wasn't really attracted to him, but I truly loved the way he treated me; he was much more mature than I --experience wise-- but about the same physical-wise. I was really blown away (pun intended) when we both showed just how excited we were, when we finally had sex. (Note: it wasn't until i was 28 that i had full sex with a woman--and liked that too, even though the circumstances in which that relation arose were very scary)

Originally, I had tried to get this younger guy (who I had met at age 23) off my back by telling him I was a "pedophile", a term I now see as very problematic. He had been calling me for days after we had met by chance at a gay group in town. I really wasn't attracted to him, but i enjoyed his company, as he was quite "in" with the gay scene, and i was quite 'out' of all of it. But he said if I ever wanted to "find out what gay sex is like" (or something to that extent) he'd be glad to show me. 

Well, I was curious, and I <i>did want</i> to "lose" my long-time "curse" of virginity. Anyway, I decided then and there to try it, and he thought that I must be fooling--at least until we started having sex and found out that i really didn't know anything about it!

This was a turning point in my previous belief that "no younger person would ever really be attracted to an older person". 

I had sought therapy (to "cure" myself of my desires) for the past 6 years, had closely followed various "cure" programs (such as aversion techniques like using smelling salts, rubber bands, and even slapping myself --tho this last example was of my own concoction), had been victimized by police (since I naively trusted them and didn't know my rights), etc. etc. Yes, I had actually sought therapy since I was 18 (at 19 I came out to my parents as a "pedophile"--though of course a "sick" one).

Learning about the side of truth that i had never previously imagined (that i wasn't the only one who cared for boys, fully) remains kind of hazy in my mind. I do remember stumbling onto a book by Dan Tsang (The Age Taboo); and i also remember happening to explore a bookstore while in San Francisco once. 

I had been in the Haight district, and i went into what turned out to be an anarchist bookstore, where i found an actual copy of the NAMBLA Bulletin (I was still too afraid to visit the gay side of town, even tho i was 'out' to my parents and had been to a few gay bars). Buying it nervously, I read it and then... dutifully took it back to the therapist I was seeing at the time. 

It was interesting to actually see what NAMBLA said, compared to the info I had trustingly read in Time magazine and other periodicals (at 17, I had found the Time article but paid most attention to the picture of Charles Dyson, 13, being led away from the NY port authority bus station by allegedly "helpful" police).

My therapist didn't say anything after I gave the magazine to him. He let me talk as usual, but that was it. Around this time I began to wonder about the truth more and more. Only when one of my two therapists (said to be a "leading expert" in the sex offender field locally) told me, during group therapy, that I was "not a pedophile," and was "just trying to get attention",and my other "1 to 1" therapist said that I'd better submit myself to taking larger doses of the psychiatrick drugs he said i "needed" for various "disorders", (and as well that I'd "have to probably be in therapy for the rest of my life") did I really have an awakening. (And, if there is no other good that the anti-drug hysteria has done, at least it got me to distrust <i>all drugs, at the time).

Though I had begun awakening, I was still reluctant to make drastic moves. When I finally moved to "the most liberal city" in my state I was still hoping to find sanity close to home. 

And I did actually find gradations which sparked a "new beginning" for me in many directions. For one, I became a NAMBLA member. For another, I discovered that the local gay bookstore was selling several copies of academic boylove-subject books. Even more, the local library owned a copy of a book on the NAMBLA booklist! And beyond my expectations, a helpful librarian at a local university pointed me to the a special area where I might find what I was seeking. Here, much to my amazement, I began discovering a treasure trove of related information; I spent 9 months reading and educating myself to a reality that I'd never heard of!

Until then, I had educated myself from the only materials available (as far as I knew): 

Criminology texts and sex abuse manuals. 

Only years later would I cry when I read how similar my childhood had been to Aaron Fricke's; in his book Reflections of a Rock Lobster he'd believed that he was a "monster" for being sexually attracted to boys (even though he himself was a boy and was talking about age-peers, no one ever spoke about that, so it was natural to think that the hysteria included us kids too.) ...By the way, the anti-pedo hysteria certainly does include boys themselves being attracted to other age-peer boys, today--those unlucky enough to live in a growing number of fucked-up U.S. states or have hostile homophobic or professional- therapist-type parents). 

[sorry if the following repeats a little bit; it comes from another page I once had online]

i've been a "nonsilent" activist ever since I began catching on, as i see it, to the extreme duping that's been pepetrated on me since i was a young dude by professionals and other highly indoctrinated individuals (including therapists, teachers, parents, and the other adults i was allowed or happened to interact with as a kid).

Only after going through quite a gamut of consequences due to my trust in spoon-fed Authority did I have the luck of stumbling upon not only boylove literature, but also some hypocrisies by my attending professionals.

At first, mere possession of the knowledge of what NAMBLA said for itself was not enough to free myself; I was still quite enamored to the leash of the therapitricksters i was seeing at the time. But when one "expert" said i'd have to start obeying his drug treatments and that i'd probably have to be in therapy for the rest of my life, and another (at the same time!) said that i wasn't a "pedophile" and was "just trying to get attention" (and the entire therapy group agreed) i started to feel like i ought to look into the third option that i had just recently discovered: these NAMBLA guys who were saying positive things about my desires.

Moving away from my hometown i settled into a "more liberal" town where i began the task. Becoming a NAMBLA member, i was beginning to replace the self-hating feelings with self-loving feelings. And it was living in that new town, that i began discovering views that i had never heard of before. i was totally blown away... It changed my life.

With such information that had been kept from me until now i got heavily motivated into reading and studying the info NAMBLA sent, and seeking the titles they mentioned at my local libraries. It was only at the local university that i totally stumbled upon a goldmine; a helpful librarian asked if i had checked the "special collections" archive.

Anyway, all this had a very very powerful effect on me. I'm kind of a wild person already (having dared several uncanny physical and psychological feats), so to have such realizations just caused me to want to speak up aloud. 

This is when i began doing so. Just becoming a member of NAMBLA had been the biggest step, but now i was beginning to go on the road to "ballistic".

In the NAMBLA Bulletin i began right away using my real name. And i wrote about my interactions with the local gay bookstore, seeking to get them to stock the Bulletin (after noting that they were already selling stuff like Theo Sandfort's and Edward Brongersma's academic books). When i found the university collection, (having all the Bulletins, all the Paidikas, all the Pans (Dutch) etc. at my finger-tips for 6-8 hours a day was incredible!) the inspiration from all that got me to make a stand in the local "liberal" unitarian church, even.

The police were called shortly after, and they tried to investigate me (it was figured that i must be breaking some sex hysteria law), but unlike years before, when they took advantage of my naivete on other subjects, i knew my rights--thanks to an article in an old NAMBLA Bulletin about Not Talking to the Police--and could no longer be intimidated into "coming down to [cop HQ] for a few [intimidating] political questions." 

i was not breaking any laws, but found it powerful to break the enforced silence instead!

The consequences for "nonsilence" in the open?

My landlord was visited at work and asked questions about me.

If i had had a job i surely would have lost it due to the stigma of having a police visit and them asking questions about my "interests"; and probably shooting off their often prejudiced mouths about "what" was going on.
The "investigation" included repeated calls and plain-clothed cop visits to my residence. At least one housemate thought sure these guys were FBI agents (he said he "knows") (i find it intrigueing that they never came when i was there).
i was summarily kicked out of the house (full of gay men) that i was living at on the premise that they didn't want their phones to be tapped.
i was unofficially excluded from another liberal church i was attending (Quaker Meeting); officially i could come if:

A) accompanied at all times by someone, until they got to know me;
B) i went on the alternative day. (i should have chosen the main day, because every time i went to the alternative day it was completely empty of people!)


(Note: if i am "smart" i should go live there again and allow them to "get to know me" and see if they can live up to their principles when it really counts, eh?)

It was in 1990, when i'd moved to the Boston area (to attend the NAMBLA conference there, and maybe meet up with some fellow BLs), that i began putting out a 'zine called "I AM" (which i now realize was named after principle NAMBLA activist Tom Reeve's words: "I AM a boylover." in the NAMBLA NEWS article Expect the Worst, Live for the Best"[published in early years of the organization]. 

At first, my zine was put out as a way for me to express myself as i just wasn't finding enough of a place to do that in existing NAMBLA publications and events. In time it grew from just an expression of pent-up emotions and long secretly-kept poems and art to "an internationally-available tool" (with as many as maybe 30 copies of each issue!) of alternative but still quite legal high passion, dissent, and possible inspiration for its gutsy readers--who in these times of hysteria dared buy it and read it! (Note: The "risk" may've seemed more pronounced since for about the first three years, it lacked an "official" stamp of "legitimacy" from the only U.S. group that I figured independent BLs trusted) 

Only after much struggle--yes, that's the appropriate word--did they finally even mention my 'zine (in a review) and begin listing it in first their own booklist and then selling it via Ariel's Pages. Am happy to say that the two groups were always good about payment.

i was busy with many other projects too, as well as still seeking increased trust (and thus acceptance as a "legitimate" activist) via the available routes (in NAMBLA and with others as it went). i wrote and recorded a small number of poetic audio tapes ("from the trenches of the living damned") at the apartment i lived at --being careful not to be overheard. 

You see, i wanted to CHOOSE my battles: like when i found the energy to actually read such poetry at public poetry readings! (These readings were greatly inspired by seeing some of the great BL poets do exactly this from time to time!)

There were also the unmentionable "direct action" type underground creative nonviolent tactics in league with Queer Nation's record; the library "info-saturations" (no censorship); the strategic defiance of ignorant remarks made by housemates and parents and other relatives; the visits with non-NAMBLA groups (like the Indianner Kommune in Germany, various anarchists, alternative libraries, etc.). Last but not least, the little hell-raisings I did across the country (accompanied by my zine-financed electronic loudspeaker which could be heard for blocks) at different gay pride events.

(goes on to share various reports of direct actions in several u.s. cities, including New York, Washington, D.C., Minneapolis, MN, and Boston!)

(Let me know if you'd like to read about them here, by contacting the webmaster of this site...I think)

 

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