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June 8th I laid there a moment, in the still darkness not sure if I was awake thinking I was dreaming or dreaming that I was awake. I looked over at the clock... it assured me that I should be asleep because it claimed to be 2:37 am. why was I awake. soft crying drifted into the room. I eased out of bed and quitely made my way into the living room. moon light filtered into the room. I could make out the boy still laying on the couch. he was softly crying, but still sleeping. battleing demons, emotions, feeling, fears???? I just stood there and watched, battling my on fears. I slowly made my way back to my room, hating myself........but not knowing why. I laid there, trying to fall to sleep, but instead listening to his soft crys I laid there bashing myself, trying to make logic. I mean, what more could I want? I am a BL right.........right and he is a boy right.........right and she gave him to me right.........right so why am I acting this way? why don't I comfort him? why don't I want him? Do I want him? what if she comes back and takes him away? what if he's not my son? what if the cops come looking for him? What if I let him into my life and then he's taken away? Face it John your scared.......... Damn right........which is why, first thing in the morning I'm calling the cops. Morning came way too early. But I drug my butt out of bed. He was still there, sleeping on the couch...no longer crying. My eyes drifted to the phone, "later" I told myself his clothes were still laying on the bathroom floor. after peeing, I scooped them up and carried them to the washer. least I could do is send him off cleaner, then he came. Raggedy tee shirt, raggedy pants, raggedy socks and raggedy shoes. no underwear? maybe he put them back on. I tossed everything in the wash....shoes and all. hopefuuly they'll hold togeather for one more wash. I sat at my computer, going over my last article before sending it in. Not sure if it done any good, to go over it again. my mind kept drifting. Was my life now changed forever? my routines have been severly altered. instant dad....just add boy. no choice. DAMN HER. I snatched the phone book from the drawer and ripped through the pages looking for childrens services. after several frustrating minutes, I threw the book and googled it. Snatching the phone up, I beat the numbers into the phone. One ring two three recording...giving business hours, can leave a message. I hang up. I go into the kitchen and fix breakfast. eggs, bacon, toast.....at least he's not in diapers seems like a nice kid. I put his clothes in the dryer maybe I should get him some new clothes? I could at least make him look decent, before handing him over to the.........state. Like the state can take better care of him then I can.... yeah Like I did a great job of it last night. face it I'm not a dad. back into the living room just standing there watching him sleep. so peaceful. Why have you come into my life? do you want to be here?......yeah stupid question....like he had a choice....like I had one? I do have one.......just one phone call............that's all it takes. sure I've fantasized about having a boy....a son.... a young friend. all the things we would do. how he would be the most loved boy in the world. how our lives would be perfect. it always works out in fantasies but reality is scary........it's too real Fantasies are controled, so changable. Minutes hours ??????? how long did I sit there watching him. thinking, wondering, frightened, amazed. the dryer dinged something didn't work. the clothes were still grubby why doesn't the clothes come out clean and like new, like they show on TV? I put his tee shirt to my face. so warm, but it didn't smell like a boy....even though it looked fresh off the boy. clean dirt and grime? the shoes were still damp, so back in the dryer they went. I folded the rags and placed them on the couch. still sleeping. |