Posted by Arion Neos on December 20, 1999 at 20:34:07:
In Reply to: for Arion Neos posted by Sozhka Z. on December 17, 1999 at 22:54:40:
Hi there; sorry I didn't get back sooner.
Your questions are very difficult to answer, though d touched on some good suggestions. Here in the states there are organizations where it is possible for kids and adults to have positive interactions in a safe environment. There's no danger of anyone getting raped and, while there surely are boy-lovers in such places, they are there mainly to do what we do best -- offer emotional shoring up for the times when it just gets too difficult.
At this point I've got a nasty hunch your feelings about adults and boylovers especially have been negatively colored partly by what you have heard from others, and partly by what others still have done to make you feel so uncomfortable.
That's not fair to you, and that's a big reason, I suspect, you feel so doggone beset, so frustrated and alone. How can you talk honestly to those people without wonderng if their own arousals and desires might be coloring their replies, making it harder for you to really get a decent, solid answer?
It is not right for anyone to come on to you or press you or make you feel that you *should* be curious about something perhaps you don't feel comfortable doing. There is a big difference between having an open, honest and frank discussion about your own sexuality and having your curiosity -- which, I assure you, is natural -- taken advantage of.
There are plenty of positive ways you can interact with men which do *not* require you to take off your clothes, and which do not require you to do any touching or anything else you don't want to do.
If the men in your life now are not allowing you to see these other forms of interaction, they are not being honest with you.
I can understand the deep well of loneliness which can make you feel you need to reach desperately toward any man who can make you feel loved. If you have an absent father (mine was always distant) this is where it gets to be the worst. And unfortunately there is a degree of predation -- some men will sense that need, and will probably -- though not necessarily entirely consciously -- exploit that need. Boys need men, as father figures, role models, confidants and, sometimes, more, though not always.
And while it is entirely possible for a man and a boy to have a positive, loving intimate relationship, that relationship cannot begin in a co-dependent cycle of exploitation. It will spiral out of control and terminate in heartbreak.
Men and women are not equal either -- in fact they are radically different in almost every conceivable fashion -- yet millions manage to find healthy, positive intimate and loving relationships despite that fact. But they can't start with one person feeling pressured to meet the needs of another. It has to really be spontaneous. It has to be from true feeling, not a sense of compulsion or duty.
I know this isn't really an answer. My first suggestion would be for you to try to find some youth group someplace where boys and men (and women) can be together in a positive environment of mutual trust and respect. Then back off for a while on getting too involved with any one man right away, since this seems to be a relatively dangerous area for you. Allow yourself some time away from really intimate relationships and allow yourself to see how other boys interact with the men around you. Ideally you will see examples of healthy behavior and that can help you to better understand your own feelings and how to handle them.
It is obvious you are intelligent and introspective. These are forces to work in your favor. It is also obvious that you feel an unfulfilled need to have a close, loving relationship with a man, and that is what is working against you. It took me the longest time to realize that most intimate loving relationships also have a sexual edge; that does not however mean you have to act on those feelings. And in no case does it give any men any right to press any kind of action from you. It is OK to love a man, and it is OK to feel sexual toward that man. It is even OK for you to act on those feelings. I t is not, however, OK for any man to make you feel as you do now.
I hope some of this helped.
--Arion