I often sit and stare. My mind becomes blank as I intensely concentrate on a picture-perfect scene before me. It is indeed a beautiful image. And the boy that creates the perfection in it is certainly one of the finer I've seen. And I sit there and stare. And there is this strange "unknown" inside my head. There is a wonderment about myself that creates an intense curiosity within my soul. An utter urgency to find this answer to the simplest question, "Why?". I try to identify it, but it remains elusive and invisible. I try to find it's roots, yet I know any roots it has were certainly not manifested in this life. I know what it is. I can clearly imagine it. Yet the understanding of it is absent. Perhaps it's power or past is of such magnitude that I have yet to reach the intellectual level where understanding may be a possibility. Perhaps it remains untouched by my mind as a pre-requisite for the life I have chosen. For the person I am. I wonder, again and again, for minutes! , hours, and lament the answer to the simplest question, "Why?". It stirs inside of me, as I probe deeper into unchartered mind, seeking it out. I desire to define it's characteristics, to be able to touch and hold the physical and outward appearance that it must be! My heart aches to know it.

The more I try to decipher it's coded secrets, the more I try to untangle it's web of mystery, the farther from it I am; The farther it removes itself from me. And I sit and stare at the fascinating creature before me, disecting it's every element of structure in the hopes to gain a clue as to the answer of the simplest question, "Why?". Yet the more I separate the individual parts of the whole, the more it's beauty and perfection dissolve. I shake my head clear, rub my eyes, and refocus. Again the beauty returns, and I smile at the small boy in this perfect scene. Again my body and mind are pulled by some superconscious gravitational force towards the boy, as though this angelic form is a perfect conduit for the elusive's return. And again it returns. That elusive "it". The forever wondering about the answer to the question, "Why?"

I sit back, and increase the distance between me and the boy. My eyes pull in every little detail in the scene before me.

The boy giggles.

Electricity flows, and my mind burst with images of happiness, and my heart erupts with unparalled joy. I identify this small event as a clue to mastering the puzzle. I notice the internal clockwork of my automatic response to the sound of him. I take heed of each and every aspect of the boy's entirety. And slowly an answer starts to form. Slowly my mind graps for the elusive, and I reach. I strech my thoughts. I expand my imagination. My mind fills with a quiet sense of reassurance and happiness, as it encompasses the elusive. And I know.

The answer to the simplest question, "Why". It's not an answer at all. It's not a word that can be uttered, for the vocabulary of man is too limited to express it's totality. It's not an image of purity. It's not the be all and end all to all the earth's frustration. No, certainly it is something much more simple.

The answer is a revelation. A revelation that states: "You can never know and understand the question. That is an impossiblity. The answer is what you should seek out, not the question. The question is not Why I am who I am. The question is not the Why I love to love boys. The question is not the simplest question, "Why?". It's not the question that matters. You sought out the question, and that is what you kept on finding. The simplest question, "Why?". Seek not to know the question, but rather the answer. Seek not to discover the hidden location of the question, but simply the profound truth of the answer. Seek not to identify the characteristics that identify the question. Seek merely the answer."

I sat there. The answer to the most simplest question, "Why?" was not in the roots of the question. It was not in the question's journey, or the question's life, or the question's creation. The answer was there all I along. It held itself up with complete individuality, unrelated to the question. I merely perceived the question to be the answer, and confuesd myself to believe that the answer was within the question.
I delve deep inside myself, and sitting where I had origionally intended it to be, the answer showed itself.

It's location is the heart. It's emotion is Love. And it's understanding is simply, "Because I am."

And once we know that, we fully realise that the knowledge of who we are dispells the intense desire to know the answer to the simplest question, "Why?"

I had a realisation this night. I no longer need to know, "Why am I a Boylover?" The answer is not necessary. I now simply know and accent the truth that, "I simply am because I am." So be it.

With Love and Joy,
A Boylover who finally found himself,
DavidMark
 

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