...from [internet chatboard]. I couldn't help it while I painted the house yesterday, thinking that now my old TV show
        "Feeling Free" videos are finally being found and thinking about myself way, way, way back in another
        more innocent and better time when I was 12 yrs old sweeter kid and when my mom was lot better off
        than I have now after my my Big Fall Forever with the way I am and my mom is errrrrr... You get my
        drift... Thinking where did I all went being wrong since that time to become being an mere boozehead
        painter nobody and being despised by some other on this [internet chatboard]? I was trying to remember that I rang  the
        bell in a  New Englander white church steeple at age of 11 on American's 200th July of 4th Indpendence, 2 yrs
        before I became being famous with the "Feeling Free" TV show. How teachers told me I didn't belong in
        the classroom with other deaf kids being too far at top and need to be in a mainstream public school after I
        skipped two grades forward at age of maybe 8 or 10... Trying to remember what I did at age of 7 to 16,
        all murky bits and pieces... Can't remember much what I used to do by then. I remember rollstaking with
        old-style 4-wheeled thing, not like single blade roller skate boots of today. Painting while I watched those
        modern-day kids - especially boys with strange new scooter (I dunno what to call that thing - just forgotten
        what they are...) thing that you ride on and skip along with it, that wasn't from my era with bigger wheels...
        Watching them play along, so sheltered and insulated from outside scary world in their neat yuppy
        neighborhood of middle class neighborhood with big houses and feeling sorry for them... I had a bunch of
        kids trying to call me from behind while I painted and turned around and being surprised to see a bunch of
        them aged from maybe 8-12 yrs old, both boys and girls. So cute... Tried to sell me some drinks...
        Explained (Wrote on notes with them out of my car) to them I am deaf and didn't have money on me today
        and apologized to them and I wished I did... Told them to come back by tomorrow (Forgot I had day off
        today, will be back there Wednesday...) when I have money for them... I privately cursed myself while
        working wishing I had money right there by then for them. They were all so innocent and so cute... Never
        minding that they are all hearing. I had a blond boy with purple thing on front hair part writing to me in note
        and he can't look being older than maybe 11-12. No idea how old they all were but I know they are not
        teens... And I just look... Well, redneck vile asshole in painter cap and black T-shirt being saddled with
        numerous internal personal problems like alcholicism thing. I feel so sad and despressed... Feeling like I lost
        everything I had what I once was from so many years ago... I felt like I am a loser. An failer who had failed
        everybody else...

        Maybe it'll be better if I vanished so mysteriously off this [Internet Chatboard] (Why not? Some of you hated me
        anyway.)  without saying goodbye... And then just better off if I died off somewhere else for good. Yes, I do
        think it's  better that I am dead. I just don't want to live that way anymore with the way I am now at age 35, no
        reasons to. Too old for any of YF and... All of that gay bullshits, who want me by now cuz I am a deaf
        fuck no good for anybody anyway? It's really time for me to really go upstair... But no, I'll wait until my
        mom goes first then I'll be next. Where I wanted to go and die in... Will be back in my beloved Hawaii and
        Pacific beyond, and I do not care what they'll do with my remain, except I wish it to be ceremated either to
        be buried at sea that I love (Used to live on ships there years ago) or whatever I don't care. It's really all
        over for me, I already had lost my hope since when I was a boy...

        Looking at those kids played with each other by today, so different from my own era... I never had much
        of that at all when I was a deaf kid cuz in old days other hearing kids didn't want me so I usually stay home
        and just played by myself being alone most of time.

        I may will not post ever again after this one [on this chatboard]. Maybe goodbye. For good. Maybe it's just better off
        that  way if I don't exist anymore. I never learned how to love myself and never had enough love in my own life other
        than from my own mom when she used to be better off by then than she is now...

        Purple Panther Cat - originally posted to BoyChat on 29th August, 2000