Let me start by saying that the only trauma to Storm Boy was his fear for my safety. He's fine now, and we're together, along with Bunny Rabbit.
For several days now there has been trouble between BR's mother and her husband, a protege of mine (that's how I met BR and family). But protege has been VERY jealous of the fact that he wasn't my only friend and when SB came along he flipped. He started drinking and being abusive, so BR's mother threw him out of their apartment. He came back here (he's lived here on and off for about 8 years) but that created a BIG dilemma; if SB was to come over here on the weekends he would have to leave.
He took this VERY badly, and started threatening to make me, and everyone else "pay for what we did" to him. No amount of reasoning helped, and the threats became so severe that I was terrified. Problem is, as most of you know, I have a "past" and am vulnerable as a result. So there was really no way I could file a complaint. One of the threats was to tell SB's mother about my past (BR's mother has known from day one), so I bit the bullet and told her the whole story. "But you've paid already", she said, and that was that. I had about 20 very abusive phone calls Friday night, resulting in Storm Boy being terrified that I would be hurt or taken away from him.
About 4 AM, BR's mother (BR was here with us) came back from dancing with sister of protege. He was waiting for them, and beat her badly enough to put her in the hospital. Then he called me and told me I should go and get her. By this time he was rational again and, I think, a bit scared. I ended up with about 2 hours sleep altogether.
Nothing was heard today until late afternoon, when he called again to ask for advice with his car, which wouldn't start. He was once more his old self, and neither threatening nor abusive. I was as friendly as I could be under the circumstances, not wanting to trigger another round of threats. But during the course of the afternoon BR's mom filed a formal charge and about 8 PM he was arrested and is unlikely to be with us for a while.
This has been a very difficult time for me. There are those who told me that I should have told him to go long ago, but it simply wasn't possible. He could have ruined my life and I had to appease him at all costs. But now that someone else has taken care of things, life might be easier.
Storm boy spent about an hour outside the police station sliding on the snowbanks, and having a great time. He is REALLY cute when he does things like that, and I just stood in awe like I always do.
I would go on, but the two mothers (SB's and BR's) as well as SB and BR are all in the computer room and it's hard to concentrate. By the way, they know that I'm posting this series and think it's a neat idea (I kinda soft pedalled the fact that this was a BL group).
Tangie
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Storm Boy #11: Indecision: 1-25-98 8:09:31a
The situation has stabilized, but apparently I'm now being controlled by SB's who has made it absolutely clear that my life will be lived her way or SB is gone. Basically, I have to respond to stressful situations in a manner that she considers correct. No room for me to exercise judgement, in spite of the fact that it is MY house. Not sure if I can accept this, but the alternative is to be VERY lonely, probably for the rest of my life. Guess it's no different from married men, but I don't much like it.
SB's mom certainly does not do things the way I would like. She apparently has no concept of the term "balanced diet", and put SB to bed last night in soaking wet clothes from his romp in the snow. I only discovered this when I put BR to bed (had to carry him upstairs but he's pretty light) and found that his pants were also soaking wet.
I guess it could have been worse. For the first time in my life I had the undeniable pleasure of stripping, drying and redressing two sleeping boys under the pleased smile of one mom. It's a wonderful feeling, which must be shared by every father I'm sure. Just the trust that's implied is a real soul lifter. They are truly beautiful creations; and yet there was no feeling of lust within me; just admiration for the graceful figures before me.
Tangie
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Re: Storm Boy #11a: Indecision: Posted by AD on 1-25-98 2:47:43p
Hi Tangie,
Just a comment about "It's a wonderful feeling, which must be shared by every father I'm sure. Just the trust that's implied is a real soul lifter. They are truly beautiful creations; and yet there was no feeling of lust within me; just admiration for the graceful figures before me."
Yes, I agree with you about kids being beautiful creations and I don't think a good and loving father will ever forget the delicate "graceful figures" of their kids when they are young. Their fingers, little toes, their soft skin. Many times when I carried my sons to bed, I would just listen to their heart beats and think what a precious gift I have been given to raise these boys. Memories of those times are many for me since I stayed especially close with my youngest son PJ up until he passed away.
Wonderful moments to treasure always.
hugs Tangie,
AD
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Isn't it incredible?: 1-25-98 6:49:55p
I've had many young friends in my lifetime but always as friends, never as the equivalent of a father/son relationship. It's very different.
A couple of weeks ago I had occasion to watch BR taking a bath (had to break up a squabble). That shape must be one of the finest creations that exists. I can't be alone in thinking this; statues have been made of it.
And have you noticed the light that shines from their faces when they smile in glee? How do they DO that?
Tangie
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Storm Boy #12: Love: 1-26-98 11:18:37p
As I'm gaining confidence in Storm Boy's affection, some very positive things are happening. For one, yesterday I had to speak to him very sharply for doing something he had specifically been told not to do. He ran crying to his room, and closed and locked the door. (He has a lock on the door for privacy; kids are people too. I have the key, but won't use it except for emergencies.) From behind the locked door came the angry and hurt shout "I'm never coming back here again."
It took some courage, but I simply went back downstairs without a word. I was hurting inside, but I forced myself to continue what I had been working on. About 20 minutes later a very contrite SB tiptoed into the computer room, and stood quietly. When I looked at him he told me he was sorry. He looked as if he was ready to burst into tears. I opened my arms, and in about 1 second they were filled with little boy. So I won. I had to win. If I hadn't I would have had to say goodbye. But he doesn't know that.
During the 20 minute wait, Bunny Rabbit, who is working VERY hard so I'll like him as well as SB, quietly came into the room with a coke and two doughnuts for me. He also handed me a handwritten note saying he loved me. Now, because of the estrangement, he is fatherless too, as is his 7 yo brother and 3 yo sister. Not sure at this point what to do.
Today BR's mother called. She had been to visit SB and found the apartment in a terrible mess. (SB's mother cleans and scrubs, but from what I can see, NEVER tidies.) SB refused to help. So she said "If you don't do your job and clean I'll tell Tangie that you wouldn't help." Apparently that did it, and he tidied his room and the living room. He's just as much in love with me as I am with him.
Tangie
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Isn't it though?: 1-27-98 3:52:24p
(in response to It's just sooo magic Tangie (nt :), posted by Chippie)
It's not always easy, and I have a lot of trouble with him on the phone because he will never be serious. This may be some insecurity, or shyness. I hope we can overcome it. Right now I'm mainly attracted to his "little boyness" and the solid bond of intellectual friendship has not yet materialized. That may take quite some time. I guess I'll just have to be patient.
But I love that little collection of cells and soul. He's just a combination of elements; materials such as everything else is made of. Carbon, oxygen, hydrogen, calcium, lots of them. But there is a large component of magic, too. It shows in the smile.
Tangie.
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Storm Boy #13: Unlucky Number: 1-28-98 2:29:43p
I'm just on my way to visit SB for an hour or two; mid-week visit. But I'm in turmoil and don't know what I will tell him. Apparently he has tidied the entire apartment in anticipation of my visit, and I don't see how I could let him down. But I may have little choice.
I have once again come up against abuse from T, my former protege, who thinks that SB has pushed him aside. This has reached such proportions that it's completely undermining my peace of mind, and I'm too nervous to really be a good influence on SB. T has been drinking heavily, and is capable of terrible things when he's drunk. He is now blaming me for everything that he has ever done wrong, and I'm sure I'm going to start getting abusive calls and threats again tonight. On a previous occasion, he threatened to go to the police and make false accusations against me. That could be devastating for SB and the other kids, and I can't let it happen.
Beyond that, my temporary financial problems may make it impossible to provide for SB, or may simply reduce me to such a nervous wreck that I can be of no use to him.
I know that many of you think that I've found Nirvana with SB. In some ways that's true. But it's a Nirvana in the middle of hell; an oasis that can't long stand the fires surging around it. Might it not be better to leave the oasis altogether, and find another land of peace and tranquility?
Maybe I'll feel better after I've seen him.
Tangie.
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Storm Boy #14: Pride: 1-29-98 7:51:36p
I saw Storm Boy briefly last night. He was very different from the last time, when he would only talk baby talk and wouldn't be serious. He was, this time, a pure delight, and full of hugs and kisses. I can hardly believe that there was a time, not that many years ago, when I would have felt terminal guilt if a beautiful little boy had kissed me when his mother could see. But now it just feels SO right.
His neighbour, Bunny Rabbit's mother (who is upstairs at the moment calming down from an outburst of hysterics - not directed at me) tells me that SB has changed dramatically in the past month, from a babyish, angry and depressed boy to one who walks with pride, stands up to his friends, tidies his room and talks like a young man. She attributes the change directly to me.
Now if I can only navigate the path dictated by these two hot tempered women I might just have a success story to relate in a few years. I now have to deal with a slight jealousy between BR's mom and SB's mom, who are competing for my affection for their sons! Gee, being a BL never used to be like this!
Wow! The police just arrived. BR's mom didn't arrive home, and both phone lines were busy (me on the computer, she on the phone) so SB's mom sent the police to see if BR's mom's ex had come and killed us or something! They were very nice, pleased that there was no trouble, and delighted with BR's little sister. Scared me, a bit, though. Whew!
Tangie.
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The Roller Coaster: 1-29-98 9:22:51p
(in response to Have I told you lately, posted by Kid)
Lucky? Sometimes I think I am, like right now. Sometimes I think I'm not, like about 4 hours ago. I can tell you this, Kid, if I had my choice it would be peace and quiet... and Storm Boy of course. I originally chose the name because we found each other during the Ice Storm. But now I think it may be that storms of various kinds follow him everywhere.
But, when it comes down to it, you're right. From having no one but one abusive friend a few short months ago, I now have a couple of the most marvellous boys, one to call my son the other my grandson, and a virtual young friend beyond compare. Oh, not to mention the warm friendship and support I've received from so many posters here and, yes, even on BC.
I'll keep on with the Storm Boy saga as long as there's a saga to write. But I feel a bit odd, you know. I mean, all I'm experiencing with SB is what any father feels for his son. Why should that be so unusual, except that I'm a BL. Do I love him more because of this?
But I know that others feel (and perhaps sometimes I do, too) that I've found a kind of BL nirvana. And I know that many of the readers here really enjoy hearing a happy boy saga. I enjoy writing about him, too. Oh, he knows that there are people all over the world following his story. I wonder if he really understands what that means?
Tangie.
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Storm Boy #15: Delight: 1-31-98 7:58:59a
It's Friday evening; time to pick up Storm Boy, Bunny Rabbit, and assorted moms (have to take the good with the bad :)
Have to pick up BR's grandfather at the airport. Do you think they know what airline? What flight? What time? From WHERE? Nope. Just that he is supposed to arrive sometime around 9... or 10... or maybe 11. Wonderful.
We FINALLY found BR's grandfather at the airport just before 11. I would have been more upset at waiting had Storm Boy not been with me. He had a great time, and the light shining from his happy face just made me glow as if I was fluorescent. He wanted to walk with his arm around me, and kept jumping up and hugging me. For years of my life I would have been SO paranoid to have a little boy doing that; I would have thought that everyone was watching and suspecting. That was, of course, largely because of how guilty I felt in loving a boy.
But now I don't feel guilty at all. When he jumped up and hugged and kissed me in public my only thought was how envious the other people there must be. He is just SO beautiful. When we got back from the airport earlier, SB was asleep in the car. I picked him up and carried him down the stairs from the garage and laid him gently on a sofa. At which point, he jumped up grinning from ear to ear, and proceeded to run around the basement in circles. He thought he had tricked me (he had, actually) but carrying him in my arms, my face buried in his hair, was just such an exquisite experience that I hope he tricks me very often!
Then, a bit later, they both came down and curled up on the two extra high back executive chairs in my office. Not one, but two mothers came stomping downstairs to look for them. I quietly pointed to the chairs, then stood beside them to urge the kids to go to bed. At which point SB started hanging "cheval, cheval" ("horsie, horsie") and jumped on my back with his arms around my neck. Then BR jumped on HIS back, and I played "cheval" all the way upstairs and almost to their room, where they slid off my back onto the floor.
Of course, kids being kids, I had a bitch of a time getting them to go to bed. They were in silly mode, and wouldn't stop jumping up, giggling, etc. BR and SB sleep in a single bed in what used to be my office. I think they're finally quiet now. I've already kissed them both goodnight. BR's little brother is sleeping in another room with his mother, and is a bit put out. But he'll be OK. I didn't kiss him goodnight because he doesn't like it.
Hey, all of this is no more than any of a billion fathers do every day of the week. Why does it feel so special?
Oh, and I was delighted to talk to an old BL friend on the phone last night. He had temporarily lost his new-found 12 yo "son" to a relative, but she decided she didn't want him so they're re-united. Yeah! He'll tell you about it someday, perhaps.
Tangie
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Storm Boy #15a: Shaving: 1-31-98 12:57:7p
Only timing prevented this from being part of Storm Boy #15, but while I was writing that post I rubbed my chin and realized I hadn't shaved.
Well, this led to an idea. I use an electric razor, and thought it might be fun to let the kids do the shaving. So I spent the next half hour being shaved by two beautiful boys. (Minds out of the gutter, guys, it was my CHIN and FACE, OK?)
The procedure is simple. They use their fingers to gently discover which areas need attention, then use the electric razor, and repeat this process for the longest, cleanest and most enjoyable shave I've ever had. They loved it (they being Bunny Rabbit and Storm Boy) and I did to.
I can recommend this procedure for any BL lucky enough to have a yf. I guess I may need another shave this evening! Hang on, let me ask... yes, SB thinks I do. He just kissed me and said it was a bit scratchy.
I hope this lasts! He's changed so much for the better, and so have I.
Tangie.
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Storm Boy #16: Weekend: 2-01-98 20:48:36
Wow. The weekend's over and I can relax. I read somewhere that fathers spend an average of 30 minutes per day with their kids. Well I spent about 26 hours since Friday night with Storm Boy and Bunny Rabbit and I'm totally beat. And I don't mean just 26 hours in the same house; no matter what I was doing they were right there; usually squeezed so tight I could hardly move.
First of all, for those of you who don't have boys, or who have older boys, or who only get them one at a time, I can tell you that a pair of boys with an average age of 9 is more like a nuclear explosion than anything else I've ever experienced. I was TRYING to clean the basement. They were trying to mess it up again. They were winning, big time, until the two moms came down and joined my team. We won!
Earlier in the day was another quiet moment. SB, as is his wont, gave me a kiss on the cheek (I admit it, I cheated; I asked him to) and announced that I needed a shave. Here we go again, thought I, not without some pleasurable anticipation. So once again the two of them shaved me; SB doing the left and BR the right. But then SB's mom came in waving a lotion bottle and telling me that I had dry skin. So the next 10 minutes were spent with 4 little hands massaging lotion into my face, ears, scalp, everything accessible. I can heartily recommend this process to a BL! It is heavenly.
At one point during the afternoon, when my frustration level was at its max, I went upstairs to lie down for a bit. Well, I didn't get rid of them that easily. They started jumping from the bureau to the bed, then doing flips on the bed, usually landing on top of me. So I simply did the obvious and lay my 200+ pounds on top of SB. He squealed in mock anguish, and grinned from ear to ear. He's as beautiful as they come, and with flushed cheeks and the incredible animation in his face he's as near to an angel as can exist. I wanted THAT picture, but, alas, my camera seems to have vanished.
All of this with no guilt. Be a father, guys. It's wonderful.
Tangie
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Storm Boy part 17: Visit: 2-05-98 20:52:00
No, I know it's not a weekend, but I visited Storm Boy tonight anyway. Didn't know if I could find him (they don't have a phone) but I did. His mother has just come out of hospital (asthma attack) and was visiting a neighbour. The neighbour started out to be a problem. She, too, is a single mother and does NOT trust men. Claims to be a psychologist, very forceful, very loud. Started on the attack right away; "you're not a true Quebecer, you're English!". I pointed out that my family came here in 1790 and she is an immigrant so that ended that particular argument.
She is working to convince SB's mom that he should never be anywhere without her until he is 18. This is a dangerous woman; she could destroy that boy. Fortunately, I made some progress. She is now, apparently, taking a physics course and not making much headway with electrodynamics. Well, she discovered that I taught Physics for over 20 years and suddenly the humanodynamics started changing. She now seems to want me to help her with her studies. OK, I guess that could actually be very beneficial in the long run. If she is on my side SB's mom will follow right along. Damn, I hate these politics. I just want to care for the boy!
I told SB's mom point blank that if I was to be "father" to SB then I had to have trust, rights and authority, and if that was to be denied, I would say goodbye right then and there and wish them both a good life. At that point she started trying to calm me down and went off the attack. But so far it is fairly clear that when she prayed for a man for SB's life what she really wanted was a "token" man, not a real one. She wanted one who would accept that she was doing a perfect job for her son and would teach her son things without otherwise affecting his life. Well, I don't fill that bill, and she's beginning to realize that. Now all I have to do is to get her to accept it.
By the time SB and his mother and I left to do some shopping (oh, I forgot to mention, Bunny Rabbit was with me the whole time) things had quieted down quite a bit and SB's mom was back to her more usual self. But she won't come this weekend, because she is allergic to something in my house; we don't yet know what. And she won't let SB come without her - not yet, anyway.
She plans, however, to come with SB NEXT weekend, and does NOT want the others there. Her reason, ostensibly, is that I can make much more progress with teaching SB things when he is spending most of the time with me instead of horsing around with BR and his little brother. While that is no doubt true, she also made it very clear that she was upset that BR talked about the boys' room as HIS room, when I should have insisted that it was SB's room. Damn it, she's jealous of BR. Oh hell.
We had a good time shopping, except for the lying. SB is quite an accomplished liar, it turns out, and I don't quite know what to do about that yet. Afterwards, we all went to BR's apartment and stayed there for a while. When it was time to leave, SB was very upset and in tears. He clung to me and said that he was coming with me and didn't want to stay with his mom. Of course, he couldn't (he has school tomorrow) but even though he doesn't always show it he has become VERY attached to me and I guess I'd better make sure that I don't fail him.
So this weekend will be a Bunny Rabbit weekend, and, in a way, that will be more comfortable. BR is quiet and responsible with me, loves to be with me, and is working very hard to gain my affection (which he has, of course). And I really have a far more stable long term relationship with him (I've known him since just after he was born) and the full approval of his mother who trusts me completely. There is no question that HE would be able to come here by himself anytime he wanted to.
But SB, ohmigod those eyes and that smile. And the kisses and the hugs. I really pray that it will all work out over time. I feel odd about all this really. All my life I've tried to be whatever the parents of boys wanted me to be. I've agreed with everything (at least, I've pretended to) they've said. I've tried to be as winning and pleasant as possible so they would like me and allow my friendships to continue. Basically, I've subverted my personality to try to be whatever they wanted. Now I'm basically laying down the law to a parent, and she will do it my way or goodbye. Hey, it's worth a shot!
Tangie.
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Storm Boy #18: Afternoon: 2-12-98 11:50:00
Having little else to do this afternoon, and feeling a bit down, I decided to visit Bunny Rabbit, who is home sick, for a while. First, I took his mom to do a bit of shopping, while he stayed home with his grandmother. Then I stayed with BR and grandmother, while BR's mom went to visit Storm Boy's mom, who lives downstairs in another apartment. BR was not too sick, and we had a very comfortable time together, him sitting on my knee while I talked to grandmother. She has now wholeheartedly accepted me into the family, after some initial concern a few years back.
Then I went downstairs to write a letter in English for SB's mom, and waited for SB to get home from school. He was delighted to see me, and gave me his now-customary hug and kiss on the cheek. I finished the letter, then SB had to go to the library to get a card, so I took him there by car. I was very proud of him. In spite of my concerns about his immaturity, he handled virtually the whole process by himself, with confidence and assurance (don't forget he's only 9). When the librarian asked me if I was his father, I started to explain but he jumped up, put his arms around my neck, kissed me on the cheek and said "YES!"
Of course, I did have to explain, and I countersigned the library card. The librarian thought the Storm Boy story was really touching. Oh, I should mention that here (Quebec) public affection between "fathers" and sons is common, which may not be the case elsewhere.
Then we went back and got his mom, and the whole troup (SB, myself, the two moms and BR's little brother, whom I might as well call Mouse) went to a bunch of places to go shopping. SB was very affectionate the whole time. He will, in the middle of a conversation or just while walking down the street, suddenly hug me and give me a kiss on the cheek, then he turns his cheek for my kiss in return. By the way, in French there are two words for kiss, and a peck on the cheek goes by a different name than a loving kiss on the lips. I will, however, someday have to teach him just what the cheek consists of. But not TOO soon :))
I was reminded today again, as I am every time I see him, just how remarkably beautiful he is. The pictures that some of you have seen just don't come close to showing the animation on his face, the stunning smile, the flashing eyes. He has a very mobile face, and his expressions are almost caricatures. When I'm not with him, I tend to have doubts about our future together. When I'm with him the doubts just vanish. I'm already imagining how proud I'll be of him a decade from now when he has broken the welfare cycle and taken his rightful place as a strong member of society. The only flaw I can see in his character right now is that he likes girls (I'm JOKING!)
Tangie
posted to BoyWrite by Tangie on September 15, 1998 at 09:28:41: