Steven (a letter to Criss)



      Criss buddy,

      In my reply to your posting just below this one I said I wanted to make just one last posting for tonight and leave,
      but that was before I read this one.

      Listen to this (and listen carefully!): nearly ten years ago I had a boy called Steven. I knew him and was in love
      with him since his 9th year and we had some absolutely great times together. Whenever I went I would take him
      with me on my motorbike and later in my car. He was a shy redhead with large blue eyes and was at 15/16
      years just beginning to find his way into the world. One of my promises to him was that whenever he was in
      trouble he just had to call for me and I would be there whatever it would take me to do.

      On friday, July 3rd 1987, I was planning to leave for my parent's caravan up north in Holland for two weeks
      holiday. Steven was my neighbour kid there (that's were I met him). I knew he was going on holiday the next
      monday (the 6th) and I thought about calling him up and ask him to go with me on the saturday. A friend of mine
      called me before I could make the call to Steven and asked me to go swimming and have dinner on the saturday
      as a means of saying goodbye for the holidays. I thought it to be a good idea and thought "well, I'll see S.
      anyway on monday, so let's spend tomorrow with my friend and leave on sunday as planned" and so I did and
      never made the call to my S. Saturday I had some good times and went to bed.

      Normally when I'm asleep only a large explosion could wake me so to speak and I would just sleep for the
      whole night. During the saturday/sunday night I woke up for four times and couldn't find what caused it. No
      sounds, no lights, nothing wrong. Finally I got out of bed, started packing and left at 11:00 for my parent's place.
      When I got there my folks behaved in some akward way and finally at the end of the afternoon they asked me to
      sit down and listen to some afwul news. It appeared that my boy had taken his motorbike on the saturday to visit
      a friend some 20 miles away and apparently made an error of judgement while crossing a road. A car smacked
      him head on, he broke both his legs, one arm, his chest bones were crushed and he had bad head injuries. They
      took him to a hospital nearby where they found that his main artery (the aorta) was split and he finally bled to
      death internally on the operation table. His pain has been tremendous AND I WASN'T THERE TO BE WITH
      HIM even if it was just for him to be able to die with someone who loved him at his side.
      Where was I with my promises to be there for him ? The final moment when he needed me more than any I
      wasn't there and he was to die all by himself without someone familiar to be there for him! Apart from being
      devastated I hated myself for not being at his side and for not calling him to go with me on the saturday so it
      never would have happened.

      He was buried on the 9th and it took everything I got mentally to be there. After some days his parents asked me
      over to talk and we had some very sincere and loving talks. They knew I had loved him so much and they
      wanted me to know they were very impressed by the love I had shown him and the care I had for him. And all I
      could feel was disgust about myself for letting my boy down when it really mattered the most.

      I was in the dark for two years before Nico came along and things went the way they went. I have talked with
      Nico many times about Steven and showed him the pictures I had from him. For years my feelings of guilt
      haunted me and I couldn't be at peace with myself for it.
      Two years ago I ran into Steven's older brother Ronald at a birthday party and we sat down outside in the cold
      talking about things. Finally I broke down on the floor crying and he sat down next to me, putting his arms
      around me and hugging me. He asked whether I still hadn't accept the inevitable and I explained why I felt the
      way I did. About not being there, about not making the call, about teaching the boy to drive the fucking
      motorbike that killed him. Ronald looked at me and this is what he hammered home to me.

      "I'm his brother. Will you accept what I have to say as from one who understood and loved him and knew and
      knows what he felt and thought ? Then believe I just know he did love you till his last second and he would never
      ever hold it against you that you weren't there. Even when you would have made the phonecall he would have
      stayed at home because he'd already agreed with his friend on the visit earlier. Even when you hadn't taught him
      to drive the thing I myself or someone else would have taught him. Even when you had heard about the accident
      right away you would never ever have made it on time before he died. I live just 15 minutes away and I was too
      late. And as for you waking up time and again during that horrible night without knowing what had happened,
      please believe it was his spirit or whatever trying to tell you that he loved you and that he wanted you to be free
      of all guilt concerning it all and he tried to say goodbye to you before he finally left this world."

      Ronald told me this over and over and over again for nearly three hours before I was finally able starting to
      accept it. Maybe Steven had tried to tell me something during that night, maybe not. I just know I had some
      similar experience when Nico was taken desperately ill with appendicitis some years after. Maybe I'll tell you
      later. I believe now that death is not the end. Somewhere out there Steven is happy and free of all pain, walking
      with my dog as he used to do all the days we knew each other before the dog preceded him by 6 months. And
      then it was Steven who had been there for me. And I wouldn't know anyone better to take care of my old dog
      over there than Steven or any dog to take better care of my Steven wherever they are.

      Well, this has become rather a long post after all. My bottom line to you, sweet raisin, is that you are never ever
      to be blamed (and least by yourself) for your brother's death, just as I finally realized that I wasn't to blame for
      Steven's death. The decision to use drugs was your brothers', not yours. The decision to take the route he took
      was his, not yours. The decision to come and get you and your friends in the first place was his, not yours. This
      doesn't mean I blame your brother for what happened to him. I blame the people that brought him to the drugs,
      selling it to him, stimulating him to use it and the people that by their behaviour towards him maybe made him
      wanting it to use it. At some points in time certain circumstances just add up and end up in a devastating disaster
      for us.

      Criss, for heaven's sake, stop doing this to yourself !! I do know how you feel more than anyone else - apart
      from Awaken Dad, because his pain must be infinitely bigger than mine - and from what I get from your post
      your brother loved you and never would have wanted you to feel guilty about something YOUR CANNOT BE
      BLAMED FOR. I'm sure that your brother is also out there, free from pain, and that he loves you and maybe is
      chatting with Steven, PJ and Larry on some celestial BoyChat or playing with my dog. I'm not afraid to die
      anymore, I know I've friends out there to welcome me when my time has come.

      And you, sweet boy, also have friends caring for you and loving you for who and what you are. It's no use
      running away for your pain. Only talking about it again and again will take the burden from you, just as Ronald's
      indefatigable talking and hugging (and I had someone in the flesh then !) finally opened up the way for me to
      accept everything that happened.
      Please feel free to spill your guts about it whenever you need to. I for one love you and will always listen to you.

      Again, please stop hurting yourself. It's no use and it's not fair. You deserve far better.

      Well, it took me nearly 1,5 hours to write this and I'm still crying. Just stop it, OK ? Please ?

      I DO LOVE YOU.

      Llewellyn

      To Dad: Sorry I didn't react to your calling out for me. I believe the above says it all. I'm with you and love you
      too.

      Llewellyn

      now please visit Steven's place in Sumerland

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